All she remembers is her pain then and her suffering now. (Context: My mother forced me to live with my abuser.)

I feel like I need to forgive my mother for everything she has done, not because I want us to be together again, but because I am tired. And because she probably doesn’t even know she was wrong.

She probably thinks everything she is doing is to show me that she is right. To show me what is right. Even if she doesn’t see or consider my feelings and my experiences and my truths. She thinks she is loving me the way she knows how. And she thinks she is sacrificing and suffering for me.

She’s probably praying to her God to forgive me and to straighten my path so that I may understand where she is coming from.

She probably isn’t aware that I feel betrayed that she chose her father who sexually abused me. That she forced me to live with him and to show respect to him after the fact.

She probably doesn’t know that he ogled me every time I step out of the shower. She probably doesn’t remember that he went behind closed doors with my toddler cousin and that he showers her when her parents aren’t around.

All she remembers is her pain then and her suffering now.

On the other hand, I will remember every little bit of detail I could recall. And I will continue to try to recall memories I have long since repressed.

Because Younger Me deserves to be seen and acknowledged and known and heard. She deserves to know that someone is listening to her pleas even if it’s just Older Me.

The quote, “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” has stayed with me since I have read it. It has validated all the feelings I have, that I feel like no one wants to hear about.

I don’t tell anyone my feelings because I believed it is a waste of their time.

But now I know it does matter. Even if only to me.

Even if every time I tell my story, I can feel the people around me seem to roll their eyes that I am talking about this again.

I do not want this to be my legacy, but it is a part of me that I can never wash away. This trauma, this heaviness and sadness I feel. I know it will always be there.

Because what I want is for someone to listen and actually want to know about it because they care.

My feelings about my mother have always been on the forefront of my brain. I think I haven’t processed those emotions yet. I should though because I want to be free of these.

I always try to run away and just try to forget but it sticks to me. And I can’t escape it. I have to face it.

Someday…